Brain Fog

When depression hits, my already-low executive function falls off a cliff. A fog descends and I can’t string my thoughts together. I struggle to string words together. There’s a specific metaphor hovering at the edge of my mind for the exact feeling of trying to thread a sentence together but, ironically, I can’t find the words. I imagine a wall of amber goop – honey, maybe, or syrup – and trying to drag the words from behind the wall. The wall drags at them and I can’t them out.

I’m… not sure… why it’s an amber wall of honey or syrup. Mind images choose themselves.

Things are better when I’m at work. There’s schedule, there’s routine. I know where I am in the day, and I can find my way. I seem to be doing ok at work. It’s outside of work that I’m struggling, struggling to eat, to remember to shower.

It’s like being lost in a city.

Work is a city I know well. There are plenty of familiar landmarks, roads I travel often, signs to guide my way. Even if I get a little lost in the individual back alleys, I can see landmarks on the horizon, I can orientate myself, figure out how far I am from my destination.

Home, somehow, is a city I don’t know. I can maybe see one or two landmarks about me, but I don’t know how they relate to each other, or to my location. The sign names mean nothing to me.

And so often lately I can’t find my way.

3 thoughts on “Brain Fog

  1. Hi Yinin. Yes, you are right that people on the autistic spectrum can find life so difficult at times. I hope you find a way to cope with those feelings and that you will know that God did not make a mistake when he made you – you are so precious in his sight.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. My metaphor is molasses. When the depression is on me, it’s like pushing through molasses just to get through the day. I also found the structure of the work week to be helpful (or at least distracting) and the weekends to be difficult. I don’t have any answers, but I hope you find the strength or commitment or desire or whatever to keep trying.

    Liked by 2 people

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