Trigger Warning: Open discussion of suicidal urges.
Reminder: I have about a month’s worth of buffer on my blog, so this was written a while ago. I don’t tend to take cancel these posts if my mood changes before they go live, so I could be feeling better by the time you read this – but I also don’t write them until I’ve been feeling this way for a few days at least. I tend to deal with my feelings by venting – by talking about them, I often end up feeling better. Posts like this help.
Something I’ve been struggling with lately is (as the title suggests) a lack of motivation. Partly in general – that’s probably the depression – but what I wanted to
complain talk about here was my lack of motivation for a particular project.
I’ve mentioned before, mostly on my Fiction Fridays, that I’m trying to write a book. In the broadest possible sense, I’ve written it. I’ve typed “The End“. Only took me one and a quarter decades.
Now it’s time to edit.
I was editing chapters as I went along before and, although it wasn’t my favourite task, I could do it. Now I can’t seem to make myself focus. I really wanted to make it publisher-ready this year but I’ve really stalled and I can’t pull myself out of the rut.
It doesn’t help that there is a very large part of me planning to be dead within a year. (I mean, that part of me has been planning that for a decade, so it’s not exactly brimming with motivation either…) I think that because I finally typed the two magic words that part of me is willing to tick it off the bucket list as a job well done.
Then there’s this blog, which is proving to be a bigger distraction than intended. I obviously have motivation to write here – I’m even writing mini new pieces of writing every alternate Friday, ideas that cannot possibly fit into my books universe.
There are about 24 chapters in the book (23, actually, but that last one needs to be split) and I’ve edited 13 of them. I’m just hoping it gets better as I go on, that’ll it get mroe exciting once I reach less-polished chapters with more that needs changing. Right now I’m editing chapters I’ve gone over so many times I could probably write them out without any reference material (only a slight exaggeration) and I’m only changing one or two sentences a chapter. Hopefully once I reach the final act of the book and the quality takes a dip it’ll be more interesting to go over and change. Maybe if I start working through ti backwards?
It’s not that I don’t want to see it published. It’s that I can’t plan that far ahead right now because I no longer believe I’ll be there. So it feels like there’s no point in trying at all. There’s no point in finishing it.
I just don’t have the motivation anymore.