Trigger Warning: This post deals with some heavy topics, including bullying and abuse.
Sometimes my subconscious brain likes to make announcements. It waves the epiphany flags and blows the announcement horns and expects me to deal with whatever drama it dumps in my lap, usually at the worst possible time.
It’s done that again.
The essence of that announcement is: Hey, remember that bad thing that happened ten years ago that you never dealt with? It’s probably related to the decade of depression that followed. Time to deal.
I was bullied pretty much all my life. Most of it was verbal. For the most part, I’m somewhat at terms with it now. Every school has a food chain, and someone has to be at the bottom, and that was me. At every school I went to. Sucks, but that’s life.
Most of it was verbal. So whilst I do have some mild psychological scars – a few trust issues, for example – it’s mostly not too bad.
Mostly, mostly, mostly.
When my family lived abroad for two years, the bullying got worse. It was largely racism-based, I think, though they didn’t exactly give me a reason. (For the record, I am extremely white, but as I said we were living abroad)
As part of the bullying whilst I lived abroad I was mildly sexually abused. It wasn’t rape, it was just some light touching. It was one event one time.
I know I’m not mean to use words like “just” but I don’t want to misrepresent what happened.
I never… dealt with it. I never talked to anyone pretty much ever. And in the decade since I’ve been pretty much constantly depressed and anxious. I’ve struggled with self harm actions and suicidal thoughts. So maybe those two things are related?
Part of me thinks maybe it’s time to start dealing.
I just need to figure out how.