Side note: In order to build up a buffer, I’m writing posts several weeks in advance right now. This post will be at least a month old when it goes live. When I’m into the habit of writing and posting more regularly, I might get rid of the buffer and write stuff that posts immediately.
I got sent home from work today. Well, sort of sent home, sort of asked to go home. I went back to work too soon after being off ill and the depression fatigue has been kicking my butt.
I just feel like I’m not going to get better. I’ve mentioned before how I’m pretty sure I’d meet the criteria for Clinical Depression if I just bothered ask the doctor about it. And whilst I know I have good days I’m just not sure if they’re worth it anymore. I know I have people who care about me, I just still struggle with the day to day realities. I was talking to my S.O. and I was trying to explain how I felt and…
I am never going to be ok
This shit is genetic
Even if we won the euro millions
Even if I live to be 124
I will always want to die
And the thought of fighting that for the rest of my life is exhausting and overwhelming and fills me with despair
If someone was in intense physical pain, that came in bouts 2 or 3 times a year lasted for weeks or months at a time… If it was incurable, if there were only management strategies that only worked part of the time… If the physical pain was so intense they could hardly think, could hardly work or move… If they were facing the rest of life living like that… No one could blame them for contemplating suicide or euthanasia. And yet, because my pain is mental, that’s somehow not acceptable? I have to power through.
I don’t know. Is there any point in keeping up the fight if it doesn’t make a difference? Is there any point in keeping on running to stand still, if the destination is still the same?
I won’t do anything yet. I got a husband and a dog who need me and parents and siblings who’d probably miss me… I’m going to have to power through somehow.
I’m sure I’ll figure it out.